Friends?

So I'm told that friends are people who "tell it like it is". Well, I have no problem with that because I do just that quite often. What I do have a problem with is when they just want to visit and revisit an issue that I'm not ready to talk about yet.

That's not being a friend. Not in my humble opinion anyway.

Friends know when you just need someone to hang out with, and they know you'll talk to them when you are comfortable. Chances are, just by hanging out, I'll feel comfortable talking about the very issues they want to discuss, but no, they push and push until I blow up and say things that I might regret saying to them.

I may well have lost one of my (former) best friends doing that very thing yesterday. I've been pretty annoyed with him since everything happened (see Ponderings) and actually haven't spoken to him since he confronted me about it. I was quite open with him, because I wanted to be, and I told him secrets that not many people know.

Now I can't even look at him. He's supposed to be a loving, forgiving Christian, and all I see is a self righteous Judge. He no longer wants to hang out just for the sake of it. If we make contact it has to be to discuss what happened and how I need help and that my other "friends" just say what I want to hear.

Well, that's not it at all. We just don't talk about it. Why? Because I'll talk about it when I'm damn well good and ready. It's not as if I haven't been dealing with the issues going on in my life. I have been discussing them with some people, including people that I hurt. I have been trying to resolve issues with them, and we're making progress.

Just because he hasn't been privy to every conversation doesn't mean I haven't done anything about it.

I HATE people like that. And then he's got the balls to write some crap in his MSN extras bit about dreaming that the speck in your eye won't get any bigger. Like he can talk. Specks, planks... friends don't judge.

On the whole, yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. I abused the daylights out of someone who screwed me over, and then gave my so called friend a mouthful. I also have tonsillitis, so both of those occasions were rather painful for me, but when you have an adrenalin rush the pain kind of disappears.

Friends... some friends. It's times like these you find out who your friends really are.

Ouch

So after 2 and a half days of excruciating pain in the attempt to perform the simple act of swallowing, I decided to see the doctor, who told me exactly what I already knew.

You have Tonsilitis.

Well, no kidding. But at least he was able to prescribe some nice drugs for me to take... actually they're that nice. Penicillin capsules. I prefer the amoxyl liquid stuff. That's much nicer. Yummy.

Anyway, so now I have to take these... and I finally succumbed to the pain and took some panadol so I could sleep last night. Hmmm... doctors, drugs and me. We don't really go together very well.

Flying Officer Boyle

So, I'm back to thinking about joining the RAAF again... I think I just need to get out of here, and the basic training will be character building.

I've been looking into it on and off for a couple of years, just never did the final part of the application. Got an interview in August, so we'll see how that goes.

Apparently I'm pilot material. Excellent, because I want to fly fighter jets. I feel the need.... the need for speed!

Goodbye Grandma

So today I probably saw my grandma for the last time. A sad day for me. She's probably the closest person I ever got to in my life. I'll miss her.

She's incredibly ill, but a damned fighter to the end. She's had 2 massive heart attacks, a series of strokes and a major epileptic seizure that individually each should have killed her, especially in her frail state, but she just refuses to let them win.

She's a pit bull. Or the Energizer rabbit... She just keeps going and going. Neil Finn said it best "She goes on".

Anyway, she's gone to live in QLD with my aunty. She needs 24 hour care and noone here can provide it. My aunty in Brisbane doesn't work, so she offered to look after her.

The choices were 24 hour family care or a nursing home. It's hard enough getting her to go to the hospital after a heart attack. You can forget the nursing home.

We found out on Tuesday night that this was going to happen. She's had a bad turn recently, in and out of hospital every couple of weeks. Family racing around AUS coming to see her, wondering if it's the last time. She truly is a remarkable lady. She's my grandma, and I love her.

Hopefully I'll get to go see her soon. I know I've got enough frequent flyer points, it's just a matter of getting the time to go. Ha! I know what I'm like... if anything happens I'll be on the first plane to Brisbane.

I was always her favourite, so she tells everyone. So I guess I have a major soft spot for her, and maybe feel a little obligated and as if it's almost my "duty" to make sure she's ok. I always wanted to be there for her. She knows I'm thinking of her.

I'll miss her when she's gone.

Ponderings

"You should keep a journal" they tell me. Well, I'm not about to write in a book, and I really don't feel like writing on here either, but what the hell.

So, I'm 24 years old... and supposed to have the world at my proverbial feet. Instead, I feel like I just threw everything I had, and could have had, out the window in the blink of an eye. Is that so bad? No, I guess not. It could be a whole lot worse.

Whinging and whining... hmmm... in reflection, maybe I do have the world at my feet.

I have a friend, Martyn, who swears my life would make a great tv soap opera. The twists and turns, the lies and deceit, the love and romance... let's face the music and dance. The stories could make your toes curl, I believe was the quote he used at my 21st.

So anyway, what's going on with me? Who knows. Just when I thought I was starting to figure things out for myself she sends me a message on my mobile. Simply "Goodnight", but a message just the same, and it starts the thought process again.

It's been 6 weeks since I told her. She took it so much better than I thought she would... and then it happened. The whole time I'd been saying I didn't want her to hate me, and here it was. She hates me.

I hurt her. I'm stupid. I should have been up front with her. Why wasn't I? I don't know. I guess it just seemed superfluous at the time, and then as things progressed I didn't tell her out of fear that things would stop... then out of fear that she would hate me.

Eventually it got to the point where I just had to tell her. I was in love with this girl and she was falling hard for me, and I just couldn't bare holding something back from her. I wanted to tell her face to face, and I was going to, but one night on the phone she asked "why?" just one too many times and I blurted it out.

Right there. That's the moment I realised what was happening, or what had happened rather. As soon as I spoke the 3 magic words that killed everything, I realised I was in love with her but that I could never be with her.

The weeks following I had numerous brain failures and moments of temporary insanity where I did things I shouldn't have, said things I shouldn't have, and all in all just needed to get away from everything to let life calm down.

Why didn't I? I feel like my friends abandoned me in my time of need. Where are they when you need them?

You're always there for them when they need something or someone... a lift some place, look after their kids, write something up for them, just to hang out and catch a movie, or for advice... so where are they when you need them?

Well they sure as hell weren't asking me if I wanted to hang out with them. In fact when I asked them if it was ok just to hang out they said no. They wanted me to talk about things and "work things out".

When you're confused, conflicted and not thinking rationally, it's probably not the best time to be making decisions... hence I just wanted to hang out so I could kill time and let myself calm down.

No, no... Instead I ended up making stupid phone calls, sending emails, I even resorted to getting a friend to speak to her online... all she wanted was for me to leave her alone. All I wanted to do was leave her alone. Could I? Apparently not.

Friends... some friends. I like to think of myself as loyal to my friends. I'm always there for them whenever they need anything. Have I ever had a friend do that for me? No. I often wonder why...

So anyway, back to the problem at hand. She said she never wanted to hear from or about me ever again. So why did she message me? Twice in 11 days.

Do I respond? Should I forget about it? Maybe she's missing me? I sure as hell miss her.

Ok, so I decided I'd send her a message just to see if everything was ok. I mean, I still love her. I care about her. What the hell... she messaged me first, so why not?

She replied, I replied... then she said "Going back to quiet time"... so I wonder if I'll ever hear from her again.

I feel like I'm back at square one. I was just starting to get past my constant having to check my phone to see if she had sent me a message, trying not to visit her website, trying not to think about her too much... then she messages me.

So what do I want? Well, now I don't know. I guess that's not entirely true. I want her. I know that, but I doubt she'll ever have me again. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't tell her, or if I had told her up front. Would things be different? Would she love me?

I wonder now if she loves me. She told me she loved me but wasn't "in love with" me. She was getting there though.

And here I go... one of my friends would say right now "stop your 'waa-ing'" and she'd be right. I should stop whining.

So what's next? We'll see what happens. I had my whole life planned... it hasn't quite gone to plan. Almost, but the few things that didn't quite work have hurt, and hurt a lot.

The world is at my feet.... maybe I should stop pondering these kinds of issues and get to work on building my business. Hmmm... I let that slide far too far. There's going to be a mass of work to do for me to get that back on track.

I wish she were with me. She understood me. Maybe that's what hurts the most? The fact that for the first time ever I fell in love with someone I could be openly affectionate with, share every detail, and who understood me. Unfortunately, when I did share one important piece of information with her she left...

I miss her. I hope one day we'll be friends again. We'll see...