Ponderings

"You should keep a journal" they tell me. Well, I'm not about to write in a book, and I really don't feel like writing on here either, but what the hell.

So, I'm 24 years old... and supposed to have the world at my proverbial feet. Instead, I feel like I just threw everything I had, and could have had, out the window in the blink of an eye. Is that so bad? No, I guess not. It could be a whole lot worse.

Whinging and whining... hmmm... in reflection, maybe I do have the world at my feet.

I have a friend, Martyn, who swears my life would make a great tv soap opera. The twists and turns, the lies and deceit, the love and romance... let's face the music and dance. The stories could make your toes curl, I believe was the quote he used at my 21st.

So anyway, what's going on with me? Who knows. Just when I thought I was starting to figure things out for myself she sends me a message on my mobile. Simply "Goodnight", but a message just the same, and it starts the thought process again.

It's been 6 weeks since I told her. She took it so much better than I thought she would... and then it happened. The whole time I'd been saying I didn't want her to hate me, and here it was. She hates me.

I hurt her. I'm stupid. I should have been up front with her. Why wasn't I? I don't know. I guess it just seemed superfluous at the time, and then as things progressed I didn't tell her out of fear that things would stop... then out of fear that she would hate me.

Eventually it got to the point where I just had to tell her. I was in love with this girl and she was falling hard for me, and I just couldn't bare holding something back from her. I wanted to tell her face to face, and I was going to, but one night on the phone she asked "why?" just one too many times and I blurted it out.

Right there. That's the moment I realised what was happening, or what had happened rather. As soon as I spoke the 3 magic words that killed everything, I realised I was in love with her but that I could never be with her.

The weeks following I had numerous brain failures and moments of temporary insanity where I did things I shouldn't have, said things I shouldn't have, and all in all just needed to get away from everything to let life calm down.

Why didn't I? I feel like my friends abandoned me in my time of need. Where are they when you need them?

You're always there for them when they need something or someone... a lift some place, look after their kids, write something up for them, just to hang out and catch a movie, or for advice... so where are they when you need them?

Well they sure as hell weren't asking me if I wanted to hang out with them. In fact when I asked them if it was ok just to hang out they said no. They wanted me to talk about things and "work things out".

When you're confused, conflicted and not thinking rationally, it's probably not the best time to be making decisions... hence I just wanted to hang out so I could kill time and let myself calm down.

No, no... Instead I ended up making stupid phone calls, sending emails, I even resorted to getting a friend to speak to her online... all she wanted was for me to leave her alone. All I wanted to do was leave her alone. Could I? Apparently not.

Friends... some friends. I like to think of myself as loyal to my friends. I'm always there for them whenever they need anything. Have I ever had a friend do that for me? No. I often wonder why...

So anyway, back to the problem at hand. She said she never wanted to hear from or about me ever again. So why did she message me? Twice in 11 days.

Do I respond? Should I forget about it? Maybe she's missing me? I sure as hell miss her.

Ok, so I decided I'd send her a message just to see if everything was ok. I mean, I still love her. I care about her. What the hell... she messaged me first, so why not?

She replied, I replied... then she said "Going back to quiet time"... so I wonder if I'll ever hear from her again.

I feel like I'm back at square one. I was just starting to get past my constant having to check my phone to see if she had sent me a message, trying not to visit her website, trying not to think about her too much... then she messages me.

So what do I want? Well, now I don't know. I guess that's not entirely true. I want her. I know that, but I doubt she'll ever have me again. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't tell her, or if I had told her up front. Would things be different? Would she love me?

I wonder now if she loves me. She told me she loved me but wasn't "in love with" me. She was getting there though.

And here I go... one of my friends would say right now "stop your 'waa-ing'" and she'd be right. I should stop whining.

So what's next? We'll see what happens. I had my whole life planned... it hasn't quite gone to plan. Almost, but the few things that didn't quite work have hurt, and hurt a lot.

The world is at my feet.... maybe I should stop pondering these kinds of issues and get to work on building my business. Hmmm... I let that slide far too far. There's going to be a mass of work to do for me to get that back on track.

I wish she were with me. She understood me. Maybe that's what hurts the most? The fact that for the first time ever I fell in love with someone I could be openly affectionate with, share every detail, and who understood me. Unfortunately, when I did share one important piece of information with her she left...

I miss her. I hope one day we'll be friends again. We'll see...